What's in Goodbye?
by GeekBastard23
Summary: 'What's in goodbye? A place so vast and insincere and saddens me each time I hear it.' Saying goodbye is never easy, especially when you don't know you are supposed to. Warning: Major Character Death!


**What's in Goodbye?**

I stroll into the bullpen one rainy Monday morning, internally bracing myself for yet another day of work. To my surprise, Gibbs is already sitting as his desk but he isn't working. Instead, his head is resting on the table, one arm tugged under his head, the other one loosely hanging on his side. From time to time, a snore would escape his lips. As I quietly approach him, I notice that there is a large scrape on Gibbs' cheek which is still red, not yet healed. I wonder where he has gotten that. On Friday everything was perfectly fine with him.  
Hmm… odd. Maybe something has happened while he has been working on the boat in his basement, like a splinter of wood or something? I quietly laugh to myself, remembering a long forgotten joke.

_"In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS Agent was discovered in his basement crushed between a large, homemade boat and an even larger bottle of bourbon. Film at eleven!"_

I softly chuckle at the thought. But well, Gibbs seems to be fine besides that one scratch, so it can't be so bad, can it? Anyway, when he will wake up, there is a – though cold – cup of coffee waiting for him sitting on the table, ready to be downed and everything's fine for Gibbs as long as he's holding a cup of java in his hands, isn't it?

I am about to turn around to sit at my desk to finish the paperwork that I have left there last Friday as Gibbs slightly stirs, repositioning himself so that both of his arms are lying on the table now. Gibbs lets out a soft groan and then suddenly my name escapes his lips.

Furrowing a brow, I turn around again to see whether he has woken up and wants something from me but he's still sitting there, clearly sleeping soundly. I approach him once again, as if I could hear his thoughts by only being closer to him. I subtly shake my head but I have to admit, him saying my name in his sleep has aroused my curiosity.

I'm standing there for a while, intently listening to the silence that follows. But no further word sadly escapes his lips. Damn. I would have loved to hear about me. I'm not only listening but I realize now, I am also staring at him and the longer I do it, the more uncomfortable I get. I can't explain it to myself but I realize just now that something is slightly off with Gibbs. It's not the scrape on his cheek, I'm sure about that. I realized just now that I've never seen Gibbs sleeping in the office, except when he has fallen asleep while pulling an all-nighter, working on a case. But if there had been a case, he would have called me, wouldn't he?

So, why is he here now? I look around again but nothing seems to be out of the ordinary. Everything is where it's supposed to be. There are hardly any people here, yet, as it is still kind of early.

I look back at Gibbs now and I suddenly realize that he's somehow looking older than I remember him. The fine lines on his face seemed to have deepened over the weekend. His hair sticks out in every direction as if he hasn't combed it in days. But that's not why he's looking odd and all of a sudden I know what it is. He's wearing a suit and a tie. What the hell? Has he gotten married again without telling me? That would explain the deepened wrinkles at least. I rack my brain if he has made any comments about a woman recently but nothing comes to mind.  
But I discard the marriage idea quickly. Clearly, he wouldn't be sitting here now, if he had just gotten married. That wouldn't make any sense at all, would it?

I subtly shake my head and then I finally go sit at my desk, sighing and starting to catch up on my paperwork. I don't know how long I've been sitting there, working but then suddenly, Gibbs sits up, distractedly looking around for a few moments before he steals a glance at his watch and almost springs out of his chair. He hastily runs his fingers through his hair before he grabs his badge, but not his gun and starts to run out of the bullpen.

"Boss?" I shout after him, wondering what this is all about but he doesn't seem to hear me.

I slowly stand up now, following him but I'm too late, the doors to the elevator have already closed. I push the button and wait, looking at my watch. Hmm…. odd. The others are late. In fact, they're really late. Uneasiness is spreading in my gut again. What exactly is going on here? Something is definitely weird. The elevator finally arrives at my floor and I quickly step in, pressing the button for the garage. I don't know why but I got the feeling that Gibbs is leaving the building at the exact moment and I'm going to follow him. Maybe he needs help after all…

Luckily, I catch him just as he's leaving the garage in his truck and I wave at him, motioning him to stop but apparently, he's too buried in his thoughts or too concentrated on driving to see me. I shake my head again before I hurry to get to my own car. I catch up with him at the next red traffic light. I didn't think that it would be possible but Gibbs is driving exceptionally slow for once. Another thing that's odd today.

I follow him for a few miles until he finally pulls over into a parking lot next to a church. So, is he getting married after all? But still, it's Monday. Nobody's having a wedding on a Monday, right? Not even Gibbs! Or is he?

I pull up beside him but he's already out of the car, single-mindedly walking to the cemetery. I look around now and realize that I recognize some of the cars that are already parked here. I once again wonder what I'm missing. Is this some kind of a joke? A practical joke where I'm supposed to feel left outside alone? If it is, it's really working. I don't know if I'm actually hurt but why do all the others know about whatever is going on here and I don't?

I realize now that I'm still sitting in my car and Gibbs is nowhere in sight anymore. I quickly get out of my car, lock it and slowly enter the cemetery myself now. I look around shortly before I notice a small group of people standing around one the graves. I slowly approach them now, noticing that the grave was dug out only recently.

So, this isn't a wedding after all. It's a funeral.

The weird sensation in my stomach gets even weirder now. Who has died, then? And why didn't the others tell me about it?

I silently join the group, standing right behind Gibbs now, who – like me – apparently has run late. The priest has just finished his little speech and steps aside from the grave now. Now, I'm able to see my friends lining up, each of them holding a red rose in their hands. Well, all of them except Gibbs. He is clutching something in his hand though but I'm not able to see what it is.

The line is slowly processing with every single one of my friends dropping the roses into the grave before they leave this place. I can see Abby, who's sobbing terribly, her black eyeliner running down her cheeks. I can see the director, composed but still a little troubled-looking, Palmer and his girlfriend. What is her name again? Right, Breena. I still can't understand what she's possibly seeing in him. She's way too hot for him, isn't she? Anyway, Ducky's next. I can't see his face but his whole body seems to be much smaller with his shoulders being hunched forwards. Then, there's McGee, whose eyes are red and whose face is scratched much worse than Gibbs'. He drops the rose into the grave and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Mighty Mouse stapler before he drops it, too. What in the world?

_What the hell has happened?_

Ziva is approaching the grave now and she's actually crying. Ziva doesn't cry. Period. I've never seen her cry before. This can't be good. I want to approach her, to hug her, tell her that everything will be alright but find myself unable to do so. She quickly wipes away her tears with the back of her right hand which is bandaged heavily before she throws the rose away. Then, she pulls out a NCIS cap from her purse. I realize that it's mine. The one I gave her on her first day of work. The one with the gunshot holes for better ventilation. She lets it drop into the grave now and with one last look at the casket and more tears streaming down her cheeks, she slowly walks away.

Only Gibbs and me are left now. He remains standing there for a while before he finally approaches the grave. He kneels down on the grass that is wet from all the rain that is still pouring down but he doesn't seem to mind. He stares at the casket for what seems to be hours before he finally says something.

"I'm so sorry. It should have been me there, not you. I sent you there, despite the gnawing feeling in my gut that something's not right. I'm so sorry, it's all my fault. I wish I could turn back the hands of time but I can't. I'm so sorry, okay? I hope that someday, you'll be able to forgive me because I'm sure as hell never going to forgive myself about this. I'm sorry, son, I really am."

He stands up now, stares at the grave once more and looks at the thing in his hand again before he drops it. I'm able to catch a glimpse of it just in time. It's a NCIS badge. But it's not Gibbs'. It's mine.

_What is going on?_

Gibbs remains standing there a little while longer and I want to approach him, maybe even giving him a head slap. He just can't throw away my badge like that! It's mine. But as I already have raised my hand, I finally look at the name that is engraved on the cross that is standing in front of the grave and suddenly all the pieces fall into place.

_It's my name._

That's why Gibbs hasn't heard or seen me before. That's why they are all here, mourning, crying. That's why my stapler, my base cap and my badge have been dropped into the grave. This is me lying down there. I'm the person they are crying about.

_I'm dead._

But that's not right. I'm standing right here. I can't be dead if I'm here, right? There's got to be some mistake. I want to give Gibbs a head slap even more now for believing that I'm actually dead. I want to shout at him that I'm right there, standing behind him. That I'm still here, still watching his six. That I'm not gone.

But somehow I'm not able to do so. Every time I want to open my mouth, every time I want to move, I'm unable to. I get angry with myself. What the hell is wrong with me? It's just another step and Gibbs can literally feel my breath on his neck. Just one step, it's not that difficult, is it?

As I want to take another try, a voice beside me suddenly startles me.

"Don't. He can't hear you."

I turn around now and see Paula Cassidy standing there. I blink again and suddenly she's gone just to be replaced by my mother. I subtly shake my head and as I refocus, there's Kate standing there.

"But he's so sad, I have to tell him I'm fine."

But Kate just shakes her head.

"It's time to let go. You can't help them anymore."

I stare at her, then at Gibbs and back at her. Just as I want to contradict her, Gibbs speaks again, causing me to approach him once more.

"Goodbye, Tony," he says, one single tear escaping his eye.

Then, he turns around and walks away.

I remain standing there, staring at him one last time, my own tears openly streaming down my cheeks now.

"Goodbye, Gibbs."

I turn around to Kate again and she smiles softly before she reaches out a hand to me and I take it.

"Where are we going, Kate?"

But she just smiles at me again, shrugging.

"You'll see."

* * *

**A/N: I hope you liked it and let me know what you think on your way out! :)**

_Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, just the idea._**  
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